Tired of being here. Tired of this place.

Hey guys. I'm posting about my dad again. I know it's not the first time I've posted about him, but well... Got to get this out my chest.

I hate my father. I know I shouldn't. But I do. No, stop there, don't judge me first. I know people will say "Don't hate him, hate is a strong word. Whatever he does is for your own good. You will thank him when you're older." 

Yea, yea right.

He teaches me stuff. Like how any other father teaches their children life lessons.

Stuff like when you're angry the best way to vent it is through violence. He used to punch furnitures at home whenever he is mad at us, now I punch walls and always having my knuckles swollen after that.

Stuff like it's wrong to love people, it's wrong to be in a relationship as it's a waste of time. He gave me a punishment for loving someone else. For having a boyfriend. So it's wrong to love someone, I should'nt love anyone, I shouldn't love my family it's wasting my time. They don't deserve my time. I can't love.

Stuff like shouting vulgarities at people when they had done something wrong. He always hurl Chinese vulgarities while driving. And scolding us with a huge range of fuckarities. I got to admit I am now a very vulgar person. It's alright anyway right? Daddy does it all the time, and he's always right, so there's nothing wrong about it.

Stuff like always being ahead of others by treating other people like dogs or your slaves. Always putting himself in front of others, always caring about himself first, always thinking he is like God, only thinking about how he feels and not considering on other people's feeling. I now tend not to care about how other people feel about me doing things, I do what I want the way I like and no matter how many times I've been stop or forbbien, I'll still do it.

Stuff like always pushing the blame on others, by blaming them but never yourself. He always blame mum and us whenever something is not right. He always treat us like his burden and like we are fucking stupid and always at fault. Now whenever I'm feeling sad or piss, I would tend to blame the whole world anything and everything but never myself.

Stuff like not being there for your family when they need you. Always coming home late, he's working I understand. But he never ever support the family by providing mummy money and not contributing in the household expenses. It's always mummy that supports the house of 6 and makes sure everything is going well. Now I don't really see the importance of a family. I don't see why do people eat together as a family every night. I don't find a point in family outings. What for stuff like that, it's like you're forcing love and you're forcing  people who don't really want to be there to be there. And he makes me hate going home so much, I don't have anyone there. I don't have a proper family like they always show on tv. I hate home.

Stuff like never being guilty of anything because it's not your problem anyway. Whenever he's at fault, and really, when he had done something wrong and his violence actions had already took place. He doesn't feel remorseful, he find it like a too bad situation. Now I hardly feel shit whenever I'm in the wrong. I built walls around my heart so I won't feel anything, I won't feel a need to say sorry.

Stuff like being impaitient, he thinks that only his time is precious. Whenever someone is late for an appointment and he's there, it's a killer. He hates waiting it's top in his many millions of hate list. He gets angry even for waiting for 5 minutes. He feels nothing is worth his time. Red traffic lights, waiting for a bus, whatever it is, he can't wait patiently. Now I'm a impatient mother fucker. I hate waiting. Waiting makes me grumpy, why should I wait. Waiting is a waste of time.

Stuff like throwing your anger on someone else when you're having a bad day yourself. Fucking everybody else's mood because you're feeling fucked up. Most of the time he comes home angry and cranky, he shouts at everybody and blaming everybody for his bad day. Now I realise when you're in a bad mood make everyone's the same. 

So is it bad hating my father now?

I do understand that at least I don't have a father who rapes his own children, I'm lucky for that. But a father who hurls vulgarities at their children and who is on the verge of hitting them whenever he is mad, is it any better? I swear without my mum always protecting us from his blows, I'm sure me and kitty are already dead. Not mentally but physically dead.

So I guess I'm done venting out all my anger and hate I have for him. I really do hope he sees this though. Smack me in the face for all I care, here's 4 words for you. 

Fuck the hell off.

p/s: To those who actually read this thanks for hearing me out.
p/s/s: I'll blog again soon when I'm feeling better and when I've solve this mess that is happening in my life right now. see you guys soon.
xx