Your Sweetheart

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I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. ― Marilyn Monroe

July 19, 2011

What if I never woke up?

THIS SHIT MOTHER FUCKING HURTS.


Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to fall asleep and never wake up. 


I think about ways to make this happen and how wonderful it would be to not have to ever 
worry about anything. Not having to give a shit about anything. Not having to cry yourself to
sleep any more. Not having to smile and laugh just to cover this hurt. No more crying in the 
shower so no one could hear you. No more screaming so loudly in your head for help yet 
nobody's there for you. No more wanting help yet having no courage asking for it. No more 
school, stress, regrets, hatred, jealously.



Sometimes I wonder if I could turn my life around, be reborn, turn back time. I would do
anything for that. ANYTHING. Anything, just to stop feeling like this..... 



But then, I think of the consequences. 
My family, how hard they have tried to bring me up right.
My friends and esp my sister, how much I would hate if they died and how they would feel
if I died....


And the most ironic thing is no matter how much I wished to die, I can't. 
I'm afraid. I'm afraid of death. I don't want to hurt people. I hate hurting people feelings 
cause I know how it feels getting hurt. 




So to guys out there who's tired of living in this fucked up world:



FUCKING SMILE & LIVE.
There may be no tomorrow, life's short. Live while you can. Live with no regrets.
Wait for love. Experience love. Get old. Watch the world change. LIVE. 
 Cause you don't know how many people could get hurt if you're gone.
Cause you won't realise how crushed and broken they will be in inside.






xx, Justsoheartache.

July 12, 2011

Why do I exist?

Hi guys! 

Have you ever started writing a post, then realised that nobody would actually care?
Cause, yes. And I'm quite happy about it cause this is kinda the only place where I could 
actually pour my feelings out to. Talking to my own personal "wall".


I'm confused, lost, broken, paranoid, sensitive. Know this feeling? Yea, it sucks. Everything in
life is just so pointless. What's the point in life. We live to die. I know I should be more hopeful.
Yes, I wanna get married and experience REAL love not just some fucking puppy love. But.......
I'm afraid.


Do you ever feel you'll grow old ALONE. Like seriously alone.... I don't want that. I want to 
be loved. I want to be cared for. I want somebody I could depend and rely on. Somebody who
I feel safe and secure with... But on second thought, do I deserve this? Who would actually 
want me. I mean, my flaws are never ending. And I'm a selfish attitude heartless bitch. Karma
will get me, yea. Maybe karma won't let me be loved? I don't know.


I think too much. Yea. I think so too. 


I can't really rant on twitter. :( Everybody would see. They will be like "Oh, emo girl is here." 
Will they? I don't know but people are so fucking judgemental. At least posting in my blog is
like some how unknown? Who would randomly check my blog, haha. 








xx, Justsoheartache. 

July 09, 2011

It's so hard to pretend not to love a person when you really do.

Do you know me?



HI GUYS. 
Yea, I haven't been posting quite a while. :/ Now you guys never visit my blog already
right! :( So yea. I guess you guys won't be interested in my daily life, so I'm gonna be oh-so-emo
here. Why? Cause I'm oh-so-fucking-sad now. So if you're like oh-so-not-interested, you could
kindly close this page, like now.
I'M GONNA OH-SO-POUR-MY-HEART-OUT RIGHT NOW. Better leave like NOW.










































BOO.





















Too late, now you gotta read on.












If you really knew me then, 
You’d know I’m stuck in a body I hate. 
You’d know I don’t know where my life is going. 
You’d know I'm stuck in my past. 
You’d know I'm confused and afraid in relationships.
You'd know how sad am I even though I was smiling and laughing.
You'd know that I am feeling sad, disappointed, betrayed, heartbroken, and alone. 
You'd know I rather bottle myself up then telling others, even those who I trust.
You'd know there's so many things I wish I could pour out right now.
You’d know how fucked up I’ve become. 
You'd know I don’t trust as easily. Not even myself.
You’d know I’m a really horrifically bad human being.
You’d know that even though I’m so fucked up I still worry about others more than myself
You'd know I'm the worst friend you could ever have.
You’d know that I cry myself to sleep because I can’t be strong all the time.
You'd know I'm dying to be perfect which I forever can't.
You'd know that it hurts knowing that you'd talk to some other girl more than you talk to me.
You’d know what a hypocritical I am.
You'd know I hide my tears, I hide my pain, I hide my fears, I hide my inner self.
You'd know I'm insecure of myself.
You'd know the reason why didn't I kill myself is because I'm afraid.

You'd know that I'll do anything to forget you.




If you really knew me, 
you'd know that the things I've just wrote are only a small part of the story of my life.
















Well, did you read it all? I bet you didn't bother.
(P/S: If you're judging now, oh please. I'm fine with that. Look at my face. Do I give a fuck?)
(P/S/S: Accept me now, or never. Cuz the old me ain't coming back no more.)












xx,Justsoheartache.