What do you do when he has found another?

Disclaimer: This is my life in a post so try to be open minded and not judge me for the things you are about to read. If it’s too long for your liking, head to the last few paragraphs where it’s more relatable to the title.

I just got out of a nearly 2 years relationship, perhaps it might not be as long as those who were married for 10 over years and ended their status with a divorce. To me this relationship was my, everything. I am not someone who falls in love easily, for me to trust someone wholeheartedly it would take a period of time and some proving that they are loyal towards to me. I consider myself as an independent person who trusted no one but myself; I refused to open up to anyone during my teenage years because I felt like sharing your feelings with someone is redundant. Being this person, I select my friends carefully and those few whom I call friends are those who means something to me and I am sure the feeling is vice versa. (And of course my friends did made me feel comfortable enough for me to share whatever thought I have in mind) 

Before meeting Jackie, I did have a number of short relationships and a few flings here and there but I was clearly aware of what I was doing, my heart was in a cage and I had built barriers so high that I was sure nobody could tear it down. I was undefeatable and nobody could break me, I was like a super woman. Of course I wasn’t born this way, for every purpose there’s a reason behind it.

When I was 14, I was together with a boy, puppy love you presume? And yes, it was. He was the boy who I lost my virginity to and who I followed around stupidly like a dog who was loyal to its owner. We were together for a year when he abandoned me for another. That was when I went into this crazy, intense and emotional period. I didn’t know who I was without him, I didn’t know what to do because I was 15... and I was pregnant. Thankfully, my mum was the perfect person who picked me up and walked me through this delusional time I had in my life. She was the one who held my hand when I was in excruciating pain while pushing out my 28 weeks old baby. It was then; I became who I am now. At the age of 15, I had the mind of a 20 year old. An old soul in a young body they say. Sex to me was just sex, all the piercings and tattoos I have are truly to cover up how fragile and insecure I was deep inside (where as time goes by I grew to love body art) and I never looked at a boy the same way again.

Hence after this summary of my past, I would take this relationship as my very first serious one. He made me looked at him differently from the other guys I’ve been together with, he brought my walls down slowly one brick after another, he made me see things differently and most importantly he made me love myself. Jackie was the first boyfriend I’ve introduced my friends to and we had the craziest relationship, nobody could understand why we were together because it seemed like we hated each other. Don’t get me wrong, we had a healthy relationship where we would communicate a lot and often reassure each other. So after every fight or bickering we had; I loved him more, I fell deeper and deeper into this weird love whirlpool situation. I thought I was going to marry him and we would start a family together. I thought we would never fall for another person because we were just so in love, I thought we were meant for each other. I could go on how "perfect" our relationship was but this entry isn't for that purpose.

This fight we had was different from the other fights, he was distant and cold. Normally after persuasion, he would open up and talk to me but this time round he was out of my reach. As females, we have instincts and a funny 6-sense thing; I knew he wasn’t the same person who I celebrated our 1^st year anniversary with. Despite our lack of communication, I chose to hold on and refused to admit that he was slowly losing interest. Soon it came to that one day of the 15 of March where he ended our relationship. It was horrible. I can still remember the day where we sat at the side of the playground below my house, both crying and me not wanting to let this relationship go. I couldn't let go because I gave my 100% to this relationship and I don't want to have to go through another long process of finding another. But he didn’t love me any longer and if I chose to hold on, I would be hurting myself and I wouldn’t be me anymore.

So I took my own advice and I let go, and the cycle repeats where I fell into a mentally draining heartbreak. But this time round, at the age of 20, I knew who I was and I knew what would be better for me hence it was stressful and pressurising because I had a mindset that being older I couldn’t break down like how I did when I was 15. I have a sister who I love dearly and I needed to show her the right example of how you shouldn't let a guy ruin you. I shouldn’t need my family and friends to advice and comfort me when the fact is, I really needed their attention. Nevertheless, I pulled through slowly by getting rid of whatever that reminded me of him (photos, notes, objects etc.) and let our relationship become memories only stored in the mind. I admit, time-to-time, I would go to his social media pages to ease my curiosity. Jackie has a friendly personality so whenever I see him mentioning other girls on his social media I wouldn’t get jealous and would never take it to heart. However this time round, it was different. Why was this girl wearing Jackie's t-shirt and the jacket I used to see in his wardrobe? Why was this girl reading Jackie's favourite book? She was different from the others; and to top it all off she was Jackie’s “type”. I wouldn’t want to further elaborate what are his preferences for females because I am not in the position to tell. 

So bringing you guys back to this present day, on the midnight of the 6 of May. I took the courage to message him, my ulterior motive was to find out who was she to him so I casually found something to talk to him about and slowly, I lead him to my question.

“Haha you’ve got a new girl S_____” were my exact words. I didn’t know what was I expecting but really deep down I wished it wasn’t true and oh how I wished I never asked him.

“Yeah”

My heart stopped and I stared at the four-letter word in distress and sadness and anger and confusion and embarrassment and whatever mixed emotions that were going through my head. Fuck. Fuck FUCK.

The days I’ve been trying to get over and heal myself, all the emotions were getting back to me, have I actually got over him? Why does my heart still hurt so badly? Wait- what?

A part of me assumed after Jackie got through the problems he had been facing, which caused our breakup, he would come back to me. As stupid as this sound, I do shamefully admit it even though I’ve told my friends that we were never getting back together even if he wanted it. I would never have thought he would find another after a month; he wasn’t the guy I used to know he wouldn’t do this to me. How long does someone have to wait before getting together with another person anyway? Does this mean he had moved on first? So what happens now?

What do you do when he has found another? Do you wish them happiness like what a noble lover would do or a selfish one who refused to? Do you watch the person you loved fall in love with another? Writing this post, I could come out with many different ways on how I could start this entry but ending it is the question. I am sitting at the void deck below my house, in front of the playground that Jackie and I had ended our relationship, smoking the last bit of my 8th or 9th stick of cigarette. I need to come to a decision. It may seems like it's a no brainer that the answer to this question would be to wish your lover happiness because like what we always learn from romance movies “If you truly love someone you will want them to be happy.” But do I mean it if I wished him happiness. What would he do if I were the one who found another?

I guess I’ve come to this final thought. This is truly the end of our relationship and I took it the hard way. Wishing someone happiness is an easy thing to do but meaning it, it is something that builds you as a person. I wished this story could have ended differently, like how plot twists would always leave viewers in awe but this is not a movie; it’s reality. I believe having to face reality is the bravest thing what a person can do.

“I’m glad you found someone who makes you happy.” Sent 5:57am

Jackie and I

I'm in a relationship that has been going on for 1 year and 3 months.
We are both very different people you can say, we both have different mindsets different opinions and very incredibly different personalities. We are defiantly not soulmates I would say. (if soulmates exist) The only thing that we probably have in common is our taste for music, a very weird sense of humour and sarcasm but other than that nothing.

Jackie is a very close minded guy (but I believe I opened his mind a little due me being very accepting) he is fun and knows how to have a good time but sometimes if you're on a different page from him, you can easily find him childish and immature. He is devoted and very passionate for the things he believes in, he loves a challenge and would not back down due to his massive ego, it's hard to bring him down to his lowest because he's a fighter. He cares for people who he believe deserves to be cared for. He only gives respect to people who respects him, like a leader. Being a very straight forward person someone who doesn't sugar coat words and his harsh tone when he is talking, yes you can easily get into a fight with him or get started on a wrong foot. But no, don't get me wrong, he's outspoken he loves making friends and meeting different people, he is an extrovert.
Jackie is someone who craves for attention (like alot of attention) and someone who wants to be a people pleaser, he wants the world to love him and that's his dream. Me, being a realist and pessimistic person, I often demoralise him and tell him it would never happen. And well, I guess if you're reading this you probably would know what kind of person am I like but I'll just give you a description.
I am a open minded and flexible person. People would defiantly not find me either childish or immature because I have a old soul, I think too much sometimes which often restrain myself and sometimes others from having fun. But I know how to have fun with my friends which just takes a couple of drinks to ease me down and stop the thinking. I can be passionate for the things I love but I'm easily demoralise and lose faith easily for something that is too much of a challenge. I am a fighter but I only fight for people who I care and love for. I am not a straight forward person but I can be a good manipulator. I would not call myself a leader but instead a good follower however I don't like being in the wrong due to my high ego. I surround myself only with people I trust so it's hard for me to make friends and sometimes I find it pointless in making new ones because I already have does few who I need. I hate my birthdays I hate being the center of attention and I please people to make them happy not for them to like me.

So yes, we are different well we probably have more in common than I thought. Jackie and I were never meant to be together and it's surprising we got to our first year with a lot of petty arguments. We managed to only see each other and not people who disapproved. And coming to think of it, yes it was the right time the right moment that we started a relationship because we needed each other. But now, as time unravels us, we know each other we grew comfortable and the love in our hearts long for what we had during that right moment and time. Now, we need something else we need something to hold us together.
I need Jackie to be a stronger individual someone who needs to care for people more than himself. Someone who is selfless and thoughtful. Jackie needs me to be a less opinionated person who needs to understand and look at situations in a long run. Someone who is an optimism and a believer. I don't believe in people changing, I know a leopard doesn't change it's spots. Jackie believes in changes and he wants to change me, himself and us.

Right now, I actually don't remember why am I typing this for. I got lost in accepting who Jackie and I am. I faced the fear of knowing myself, my bad my good. I have the courage to face who Jackie really is his bad his good. Now I know why am I writing this for. (sorry I really did lost my trail of thoughts and this is me reflecting)

It is for Jackie to gather his courage to know me, to face my good and bad. I'm not sorry for having my own opinions but I am sorry for disregarding yours and not fully accepting you. I can say stuff that is extremely mean to you but it doesn't mean I mean it, it's just that I wanted to hurt you as badly or even more than you have hurt me. And because I know your weaknesses I know the exact words to bring you down. I'm sorry, I love you.

as dumb as a fucking panda

It's intimidating how we humans have so many different types of feelings 
How human minds can think and act differently the way we want to think/act/feel
anger sorrow happiness jealousy hatred affection revengeful peaceful curious warmth suspicion 
Have people ever thought what if we humans are as dumb as pandas
Would life be happier then because it's simple 
You don't think about all the different things people can actually do to you good or bad
It's scary how there are so many different types of people in the world
And it's even scarier to think if you had already met the worst human being ever 
but the thought that out of so many people in the world there's much more worse
Yes some people might want the best for you having faith trust loyalty and so much more 
But humanity is a different thing you might have the quality of being humane 
but losing it it's easier than gaining it
Why are human eyes not as powerful as the human mind 
Don't we deserve to know who's good or who's bad? What's wrong what's right? 
Black hearts or gold hearts? Humble or greedy? 
Why can't we see the good old trueness in people?
Some people might just want the easy way out of things the fastest the quickest the best 
Some people might just want to use you like how they treat you as their personal barbie doll
Some people might just want to test your limits to find your strengths and weaknesses 
Some people might just want to know how to break you and see you fucking crumble
Some people might just want to fuck you up as simple as that 


i miss my sister so fucking bad 

you can run but you cannot hide

Bangkok trip
17-20 March 2015 



DAY 1

i just realised i look fucking hiao wahlao i cannot la 

Kwan left me alone at home to carry all the stuff down to the airport but thankfully daddy sent me, lunch and zaoooooooo!!!!!!!!

check in loh 

Dearest Kylie couldn't come with us because of her training :-( 

BKK TRIP

My lipstick choices(left) vs my sis lipstick choices(right)

The first time taking a thai airline, it was scary at first because you know because of all the thai horror movie you watch ya haha thats why, but actually... THEIR SERVICE IS REALLY REALLY GOOD haha. Blankets and pillow to make you feel comfortable, and the BEST thing is... FREE FOOD YES. And the food is actually not bad!!! omg and movies for you to watch, games for you to play (ok i'm sounding a little ks now) 

Okay la maybe because I've been taking budget airline, and this thai airline is just economy class only so idk mah :-(

i forgot what movie I watched though hahaha.

OH AND HEADPHONES SO YOUR MOVIE & OTHER MOVIE SOUNDS WONT CLASH AWESOME LEH 

Kwan's Tom Yum prawn which is the best!!!! OH AND THEY SERVE FREE DRINKS ALSO INCLUDING WINE AND LIQUOR HAHA but i drank apple juice aiya stupid 

pardon my teary eyes because the movie sad hahaha i'm hopeless la

Touchdown Bangkok airport!!!! HURRAY and it's just in time for my movie to end yay :-)

bus to airport from the plane

LUGGAGES AND ALL READY FOR BKK ALREADY

Aunt hired a driver to send us from the airport and to the airport also. Reason 1 I like travelling with family :-) 

Although we reached the airport around the late afternoon, we arrived at the airport when the sky is dark already, i think cause quite a distance away :-( idk cause I was asleep

And..... the hotel was CRAP. We stayed in Pratunam Pravilion Hotel, sounds nice right the name but ARGH. The previous hotel I went to was soooooo much better ugh. And I guess the lobby really leaves people quite the impression, but the current one was just bad and service so so. 
Maybe cause I'm comparing with the previous Center Point hotel because there's always a doorman opening the doors for you, and we even gave him tips during our last day, but this nope 3 stars what you expect la aiya.

Changed and out for dinner 

So dinner and walked a little, not much on the first day I guess you could say a little wasted. 

At night, Kwan, Kasey and I we were suppose to head to the 'best' club in Bkk with some of kwan's friends. But haha my aunt got too paranoid so we had to cab back. Well reason 1 I don't like to go on vacation with family. I mean like it's all for the experience right? Aiya there's always next time! But honestly I was a little disappointed because we were literally outside the club already, it was that one stick that got my aunt calling.

Oh and I cannot emphasis how fucking cheap the cabs there are, well the downside it's dangerous also la but still. Typical Singaporean :-)

So we didn't get our partying so FOOD hahahah food always helps :-) And I think we bought too much food oops. AND K.O got a little scared of sleeping because well (my reasons yup) so there were 3 beds and I went to squeeze with Kwan on one bed hahahah oops

DAY 2

One of the shiokest feeling smoke on beddddddd

Well, so morning, Kwan tried to drag me out of bed and I didn't want to wake up same old, so we decided we didn't want to follow our aunt and others to the 1/2 tour trip because it's just floating market/scenery all that so we slept in :-) Just Kwan and I haha.

The hotel had complimentary breakfast (well at least) that ends at 10am, so we went there at 9.40am haha and fastest buffet breakfast ever cause we left at 9.45, what?? we ate like 5 min only haha. But it wasn't that wow just average. But it's free so ya I think that's a good reason for getting up.

Went back to sleep after breakfast haha the Kwan legacy of laziness and out around the afternoon!

Walked shopped bargained. And I cannot bargain for fucks sake. I tried the first time and the uncle without hearing anything else just straight up rejected me and gave me this fierce face wahlao scary haha so I got scared and didn't try anymore. Not in my blood la wahlao. BUT the second time I tried :-))) I got discount!!!! YES!!! HHAHHA but it's because we were girls and (in his words) Kasey and I were beautiful hhaha. 

Coconut ice cream :-) not as nice as chatukchak which we went the previous time, oh it will do :-) Super wasted couldn't go to the weekend market :-(((

Dinner to put all our heavy bags down and lepak in hotel(changed rooms) and night market shopping!!!!!! my fav haha

We met up with Kwan's friends to shop around Platinum area. And one of Kwan's friend Andrew is a thai boy(obviously knows thai) so we got discount for most of our loots hehe. So next time leve the bargaining to your thai friend cause it's the best haha they say one sentence ok already don't need to por somemore wahlao 

day 2 loots :-))))))))))

Back to hotel we were sticky an shit so washed up and body massage HAHAHA. So I've NEVER did massage before because I never liked it because in chinese pa yang (scared itchy) so yup. But Kwan and Kasey had the craziest idea to do full body massage and I didn't want to be alone in the hotel or sitting down there like an idiot so I joined them.

So I think you guys can imagine how it went already, press one time 'ahh!' press another 'oww!' hahah I kept laughing non stop because it was so itchy omg and intense if you get what i'm saying.

Oh and my masseuse was a guy, I think they choose according to your body size idk oh well. Well it was really painful for me because it was my first time, so I didn't know how the fuck it's pleasuring/relaxing for people. Kwan said that guy poor thing because he had to deal with most of my shit haha, my uncontrollable laughter, my fidgets and my hair HAHA. Hair because the massage includes head massage so my hair is all balled up so he couldn't do it.  

But well, after all it was indeed good but my left leg hurts/ache like mad. They say if it's hurt after means there's probably gonna be a problem isit?? idk ah won't be my last time massaging I think haha

DAY 3

I like my dress I don't care aunty or what :-(((

Wanted to go the morning market at 5am but couldn't wake up hahah like usual aunt and the others went out in the morning for other sight seeing like Chinatown, Kwan and I were not interested so sleep! At least we woke up a little earlier this time haha

Met Andrew (thai boy) for his bargaining skills oops hahaha. And tuktuk to mukata (which wasn't open because it was too early oh man) so we went to siam! First time on a tuktuk haha because the previous time we were all scared we kena scam or the driver to bring us somewhere else but this time got thai boy so ok hehe

I wished I bought more though :-(

nothing much at siam so it was like a wasted trip because we tuktuk back to plantinum area haha

Lunch at the famous wanton mee area which I last blogged about. So bascially this trip is not much because all the places worth blogging (ESP FOR SHOPPING) is in the other blog post, we didn't managed to cover much shopping this time round because 1) never arrange time properly 2) too little days. 

Guess what, nua again lor haha. Watched some reality show and finally got our asses of the bed to shop a little.

And head to Baiyoke sky for buffet dinner!! It was expensive thoughhhhhh S$40/person but we didn't pay because my aunt did :-(

park kore already hahahahha

what a risk right I managed to put one feet out wow I deserve an award

Haha perks having a sister, kwan and I usually take for two servings and we share :-)

The dinner buffet was actually not bad! They had crabs, prawns and steaks yummy hehe!! 

Yup kwan and I, we're the family with the noisy child 

Kwan said I look like ahma in this dress :-( photo proof i'm humiliated in her snapchat 

TO THE BAIYOKE SKY ROOFTOP

THIS IS NOT THE VIEW IT GETS BETTER 

AND UP UP UP TO THE 84TH FLOOR SOME REVOLVING THING THAT SHOWS YOU THE VIEW OF BKK WAS IS GOOOOOOD 

tip your toes and your legs would look nicer hahahaha unless your legs already look good so ya

I love this picture its just the quality argh

stupid boy can never get out of photos

yup i've to keep holding on to my dress because its super windy haha kwan and kasey were complaining they could smell my smelly dreads :-P OOPS 

this cheeky boy 

After dinner went to night market shopping at siam area!!! Tuktuk there, siam night markets were most expensive compared to the rest of the clothing markets. Thought we got a chance to shop at the other night market at Victory Monument but we were too late :-( we reached around 11 plus if I'm not wrong. Yup more Victory Monument on the precious bkk blogpost!

So mrted back to our hotel and took a cab back because Kasey gave up walking haha 

Didn't want to sleep because we couldn't miss the morning market already because this bkk trip shopping trip super unproductive argh. And guys remembered I said if you see sth go get it, don't wait and think you can go back to the path (well you can but it's wasting time!!!!!!) but just buy!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DAY 4

Sleepless night and morning market at 5am!!!

BANGKOK 666

So apparently, our morning went a little chaotic I would say. Walked around the morning market located near Bayioke area, the clothings were somewhat limited and we went too early because most of the shops were not opened yet and I think it's just this season I'm not sure? The clothes argh. 

We also didn't have time on our side because we had to reach the hotel by 8 to catch the driver who's gonna drive us to the airport, and also we had alot of left over cash to spend so it was a little wasted. Nope, just wasn't a good day. 

shirt don't match at least my sandals and pants does :-)))

Because the van no place cb what kind of fucking service is this people pay you then in the end sit behind the boot area

Finally the airport

life goal: to come back a hobo 

FINALLY THE FUCKING PLANE AND IT TOOK LONG ENOUGH GODDAMN 

Just like that, home. 

Well this trip was hell of a ride. But it sure was still enjoyable but just not as good as before so I guess that's why there's not much effort put in this post (totally find my previous bkk trip super detailed)