I just got
out of a nearly 2 years relationship, perhaps it might not be as long as those
who were married for 10 over years and ended their status with a divorce. To me
this relationship was my, everything. I am not someone who falls in love easily,
for me to trust someone wholeheartedly it would take a period of time and some
proving that they are loyal towards to me. I consider myself as an independent
person who trusted no one but myself; I refused to open up to anyone during my teenage years because I felt like sharing your feelings with someone is redundant. Being
this person, I select my friends carefully and those few whom I call
friends are those who means something to me and I am sure the feeling is vice
versa. (And of course my friends did made me feel comfortable enough for me to share whatever thought I have in mind)
Before
meeting Jackie, I did have a number of short relationships and a few flings
here and there but I was clearly aware of what I was doing, my heart was in a
cage and I had built barriers so high that I was sure nobody could tear it
down. I was undefeatable and nobody could break me, I was like a super woman.
Of course I wasn’t born this way, for every purpose there’s a reason behind it.
When I was
14, I was together with a boy, puppy love you presume? And yes, it was. He was
the boy who I lost my virginity to and who I followed around stupidly like a
dog who was loyal to its owner. We were together for a year when he abandoned
me for another. That was when I went into this crazy, intense and emotional
period. I didn’t know who I was without him, I didn’t know what to do because I
was 15... and I was pregnant. Thankfully, my mum was the perfect person who picked
me up and walked me through this delusional time I had in my life. She was the
one who held my hand when I was in excruciating pain while pushing out my 28
weeks old baby. It was then; I became who I am now. At the age of 15, I had the
mind of a 20 year old. An old soul in a young body they say. Sex to me was just
sex, all the piercings and tattoos I have are truly to cover up how fragile and insecure I was deep inside (where as time goes by I grew to love body art) and I never looked at a boy the same way again.
Hence after
this summary of my past, I would take this relationship as my very first
serious one. He made me looked at him differently from the other guys I’ve been
together with, he brought my walls down slowly one brick after another, he made
me see things differently and most importantly he made me love myself. Jackie
was the first boyfriend I’ve introduced my friends to and we had the craziest relationship,
nobody could understand why we were together because it seemed like we hated
each other. Don’t get me wrong, we had a healthy relationship where we would
communicate a lot and often reassure each other. So after every fight or
bickering we had; I loved him more, I fell deeper and deeper into this weird
love whirlpool situation. I thought I was going to marry him and we would start
a family together. I thought we would never fall for another person because we
were just so in love, I thought we were meant for each other. I could go on how "perfect" our relationship was but this entry isn't for that purpose.
This fight
we had was different from the other fights, he was distant and cold. Normally
after persuasion, he would open up and talk to me but this time round he was
out of my reach. As females, we have instincts and a funny 6-sense thing; I
knew he wasn’t the same person who I celebrated our 1st year
anniversary with. Despite our lack of communication, I chose to hold on and
refused to admit that he was slowly losing interest. Soon it came to that one
day of the 15 of March where he ended our relationship. It was horrible. I can
still remember the day where we sat at the side of the playground below my
house, both crying and me not wanting to let this relationship go. I couldn't let go because I gave my 100% to this relationship and I don't want to have to go through another long process of finding another. But he didn’t
love me any longer and if I chose to hold on, I would be hurting myself and I
wouldn’t be me anymore.
So I took
my own advice and I let go, and the cycle repeats where I fell into a mentally
draining heartbreak. But this time round, at the age of 20, I knew who I was
and I knew what would be better for me hence it was stressful and pressurising because I had a mindset that being older I couldn’t break down like how I did
when I was 15. I have a sister who I love dearly and I needed to show her the right example of how you shouldn't let a guy ruin you. I shouldn’t need my family and friends to advice and comfort
me when the fact is, I really needed their attention. Nevertheless, I pulled through slowly by
getting rid of whatever that reminded me of him (photos, notes, objects etc.) and
let our relationship become memories only stored in the mind. I admit,
time-to-time, I would go to his social media pages to ease my curiosity. Jackie
has a friendly personality so whenever I see him mentioning other girls on his
social media I wouldn’t get jealous and would never take it to heart. However
this time round, it was different. Why was this girl wearing Jackie's t-shirt and the jacket I used to see in his wardrobe? Why was this girl reading Jackie's favourite book? She was different from the others; and to top it all off she was
Jackie’s “type”. I wouldn’t want to further elaborate what are his preferences
for females because I am not in the position to tell.
So bringing
you guys back to this present day, on the midnight of the 6 of May. I took the
courage to message him, my ulterior motive was to find out who was she to him
so I casually found something to talk to him about and slowly, I lead him to my
question.
“Haha
you’ve got a new girl S_____” were my exact words. I didn’t know what was I
expecting but really deep down I wished it wasn’t true and oh how I wished I
never asked him.
“Yeah”
My heart
stopped and I stared at the four-letter word in distress and sadness and anger
and confusion and embarrassment and whatever mixed emotions that were going
through my head. Fuck. Fuck FUCK.
The days
I’ve been trying to get over and heal myself, all the emotions were getting
back to me, have I actually got over him? Why does my heart still hurt so
badly? Wait- what?
A part of
me assumed after Jackie got through the problems he had been facing, which caused
our breakup, he would come back to me. As stupid as this sound, I do shamefully
admit it even though I’ve told my friends that we were never getting back
together even if he wanted it. I would never have thought he would find another
after a month; he wasn’t the guy I used to know he wouldn’t do this to me. How
long does someone have to wait before getting together with another person
anyway? Does this mean he had moved on first? So what happens now?
What do you
do when he has found another? Do you wish them happiness like what a noble
lover would do or a selfish one who refused to? Do you watch the person you
loved fall in love with another? Writing this post, I could come out with many different ways on how I could start this entry but ending it is the question. I am sitting at the void deck below my house, in front of the playground that Jackie and I had ended our relationship, smoking the last bit of my 8th or 9th stick of cigarette. I need to come to a decision. It may seems like it's a no brainer that the answer to this question would be to
wish your lover happiness because like what we always learn from romance movies
“If you truly love someone you will want them to be happy.” But do I mean it if I
wished him happiness. What would he do if I were the one who found another?
I guess
I’ve come to this final thought. This is truly the end of our relationship and
I took it the hard way. Wishing someone happiness is an easy thing to do but
meaning it, it is something that builds you as a person. I wished this story could
have ended differently, like how plot twists would always leave viewers in awe
but this is not a movie; it’s reality. I believe having to face reality is the
bravest thing what a person can do.
“I’m glad
you found someone who makes you happy.” Sent 5:57am
